signs your wife is cheating

Signs your wife is cheating on you | should you confront?

Table Of Contents
  1. Overview
  2. Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
  3. Behaviour change:
  4. Secretive :
  5. Do these tests :
  6. Should you confront her? 
  7. Conclusion :

Overview

I guess we can all agree when I say that “Being cheated on is the worst feeling in the world”.

Love, relationships and marriage require a lot of work and vulnerability to work. We get attached to our partners, making infidelity emotionally hard to deal with. 

If you have doubts about your wife’s activities, you might already be in pain and feel anxious about it all. 

Please do read through the entire article with patience and an open mind so we can understand if your partner is actually cheating on you or not. 

Why doubt your wife? | Name your reasons? 

Before you go ahead and read this article, dive deep and understand why you might be having doubts about your wife? 

List the things you feel have changed in your relationship and her behaviours that make you suspect she’s in an affair. 

It’s essential to know your own reasons before going through this in-depth list of signs of infidelity. 

Before going through this article, just know no matter what happens, you’ll be okay. Your doubts don’t make you toxic. You have all the right to feel how you are feeling right now. Even if your wife is cheating on you, it’s better than you know now and move to the next stage of your life. Read the rest of the article with a positive mindset. 

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

Behaviour change:

This is the first clear sign that your wife might be cheating on you. Changes in behaviour don’t always mean cheating, but we need to look for this. 

Need for space:

There are numerous reasons why your partner might need space in a relationship. There could be genuine reasons. 

In fact, many relationship experts state “that every healthy relationship requires some space to be main that individuality.”

It is crucial to talk about it and try to understand your partner. The reasons often dictate the amount of space they need. 

Giving space is essential. Too much space isn’t. 

If they have other reasons like being stressed at work, having to prepare for an exam or needing time for a hobby, check in on them about it from time to time  

You will know if the reasons might not make sense with the reality of the situation. 

Not picking up calls :

If she is with someone else, would she pick up your calls? Depends on whether the person she is cheating with knows about you or not, right? 

Even if she picks up, she’s in a hurry to cut the call. Look for this behaviour! 

Change in social activity:

If you have been with your partner for a while, you would know their social habits, frequency of going out, places, and people they generally hang out with. 

If this changes abruptly, if their routines abruptly change, that’s a sign. Thanks to social media and messaging apps, you could video call your partner anytime you wish or ask them to share pictures. 

If they only share photos of landscapes and themselves on their day out with friends, then that’s a pretty good sign of an affair! 

Arriving late :

When your wife has to accommodate multiple partners in her life, she would have less time for each partner, right? 

This could mean a reduced frequency of dates with you, arriving late at home or for a night out after work. 

Again, there could be genuine reasons for these behaviours, but it becomes a pattern; your doubts are justified. 

Reduction in Intimacy:

Every relationship has its ups and lows along its way, right? When our partner or we are stressed or consumed by something, it’s hard to find the time to keep that intense intimacy going. 

But suppose you feel that the amount of time you two spend together has reduced, clearly because of lack of effort and not some external life factor. In that case, that is a clear sign of a reduction in intimacy. 

These are the most common reasons for lack of intimacy: If you don’t face this with your wife and yet you guys are moving away, this is a sign someone external is involved:

  • Stress 
  • Low self-esteem 
  • Rejection of sexual advances when your wife wants it 
  • Unsolved issues and resentment
  • Lack of emotional intimacy

Conscious About Looks :

You must know your wife and how much importance she usually gives to her looks. The more important thing to note here is that we go to places where we don’t mind looking natural and ourselves, and there are certain places where we are conscious about our looks. Right? 

You must know this behaviour pattern about your wife. If there’s a sudden change in this, and if she’s putting in more effort to look good while going to work or with friends, that’s a sign to look out for. 

Don’t react immediately, as that would make her cover her tracks better. Just observe and note them down. 

New friends that you don’t know:

I don’t know about your partner, but girls love to talk. So if you are her husband, you must know pretty much every single friend she has. Work, personal, acquaintances and so on. If suddenly, she’s got a “Maggie from work” with whom she’s disappearing for hours often, that’s a sign. 

Make it a habit to meet her friends from time to time, and if this “Maggie” is always out of town or too busy to see you, there’s more to the story that you don’t know about. 

Uncomfortable sharing phone:

Just ask your wife’s phone to watch something or call someone because your phones are out of change and see how they react. If she is generally hesitant to share her phone with you or if she follows you around to make sure she collects her phone after the call, she is anxious about what you might see in her phone. 

You need to catch her off the guard for this to work. Most women are brilliant and will be covering their tracks well. Do this when she’s been texting with someone or at her most vulnerable moments so the evidence would be out there.

Reduced Fights Between you two :

Contrary to popular beliefs, fights are suitable for the relationship’s growth. If you look at the intent behind the fight, it would most probably be out of love or the fact that she cares. 

If she stops caring about you, she doesn’t get angry or worried about you. This shift in the emotional state would result in lesser fights. 

You might still have fights, but those fights would not be because of love but hate or anger. Trust me, if you thought that lack of fights is good, it’s not. 

Bathing habits :

Depending on your wife’s habits, she might drink or smoke while on her affair. Plus, there’s this risk of having his smell on her. Women are very conscious about these things, and they might take a bath immediately after coming home. 

If this is normal with your wife, this is not a sign. But if your wife usually doesn’t care to bath and now she’s adamant about it, especially before and after going out on shady times, that’s a good sign. 

Curious about your schedule :

There are still many people who would cheat in their own houses. To pull that off properly, they have to know exactly where you are and what you are doing and how long they have the home for themselves then; that’s a vital sign that your wife is cheating. 

Next time, test this when she asks you questions. Tell her you wouldn’t be back until night and come back way earlier. Try to avoid telling her when you might be back and give vague, generic answers like I don’t know. If follow up questions keep coming your way, then yes, something is off! This might not always work tho. 

Clear emotional disconnect :

I know you must be reading this article out of anger or anxiety. The reason behind these emotions is your love for your wife. You love her, and you don’t want to lose her. 

You are here because you might have felt her drifting away from you. That emotional disconnect that shows us something is really off. Do you feel that? 

Does she share things with you like she used to before? Does she talk about her dreams and gee problems? Does she seek your advice? If not, that’s s sign that something terrible is going on. 

No cuddling / Physical intimacy:

If you look at why people cheat, the majority of it is because of the need for sexual variety or for the sake of lust and sex. 

Even though you might perceive your partner as a really awful person because she is cheating on you, she might still have that love for you that brought both of you together.  

This love will make her feel guilty. And if the cheating happens quite often, the emotional disconnect will lead to a lack of physical intimacy. 

Letting unresolved issues linger :

Being in a relationship/ a marriage, it is essential to resolve all issues. Depending on how you and your partner deal with problems, processing the thoughts and communicating to resolve the issues might take some time. 

Leaving many unresolved issues to exist, we just let the tension up, increasing the distance you have with your wife. 

But the effort needs to come from both ends. Trust me, I know how hard it is to be in a relationship where only one partner tries to fix problems. 

If your wife has given up all efforts to communicate with you to resolve issues in your relationship, and if she starts acting shady, that’s a perfect sign she might be disinterested and potentially cheating.

Being a different person in bed :

If you have been with your wife long enough, you guys might have a pretty intense routine in bed. Right? 

The flow of sex will be in sync for partners who have spent a lot of time with each other. But if suddenly, she starts having new sex moves at the bed or starts requesting things she never used to before in all the years you have been together, this might be a sign too. 

This alone isn’t a vital sign of an affair since some people can urge to experiment, but this, combined with other behaviour changes, is a good sign of an affair going on. 

Overcompensating :

When she is guilty about her actions, she showers you with love to ensure you don’t get any doubts and helps with the guilt. 

If you started getting a lot of gifts and treats, which is sudden and isn’t the norm for your relationship, that’s a sign of something shady going on. 

We could clearly distinguish between acts of love and guilt, especially when we are their spouse and we know them a lot. 

Oversharing :

Some people might overshare about events to ensure that their partner doesn’t doubt them. This is a sign that’s hard to notice since oversharing might not be as evident as being silent a lot. 

Lies are exaggerated to make them sound more believable and real. 

If something seems off about the stories, just observe and look for patterns. 

Overspending :

We must know the spending habits of our partners over the years. We understand where they spend a lot and usually don’t and their average per month. Right? 

But if this starts increasing, especially over “going out with friends” and “gifts for friends”, that is a major red flag. 

This, combined with all the other factors, are a good sign your partner might be cheating. 

Secretive :

Right to privacy and trust in your partner is fundamental to building a healthy relationship with your partner. But with some subtle signs, one can tell some things off about your partner. Right? 

There’s a thin line between being insecure and having genuine concerns. 

Secretive phone calls:

The thing to look for: Change in tone.

If you ever catch your partner giggling on their phone, and when they notice your presence and change their tone and hang up the call quickly, that’s a red flag. 

When you ask them who it was, and they say the most their best friend’s name (because that’s the name they could think of spontaneously), you should be careful. 

Why would your partner change the tone and quickly hang up and try to have made up small talk with you to change subjects if there’s nothing to hide? 

Having secret social media accounts :

If your partner has an account you aren’t aware of or not a part of, then this is a good sign that she is doing something shady. 

  • Why would they create an account and not tell you about it? 
  • What kind of reasons could she have to create an account that you are not a part of? 

Saving contacts with alphabets :

This is a technique that I have noticed some people use. When your partner saves someone’s contact as “K”, ” Su” or with something that doesn’t make sense, they often engage with that contact stating that it’s his friend from work; it’s shady. 

If this is something that your wife always does, then it’s okay. But out of nowhere, if she starts doing this, be careful because that could mean something. 

Deleting messages and contact logs :

To know this, you have to cross the boundaries of a trusted relationship and check your partner’s phone for these details. 

So don’t do this unless you have severe concerns about your relationship. Sometimes, this is necessary since most partners hide their affairs even when confronted and don’t confess unless they are caught with proof. 

  • There’s absolutely no reason that I can think of that could justify deleting call logs and messages. 

For saving space? To delete unnecessary messages? These don’t make sense. There’s definitely something shady and suspicious going on if your partner does this.

Lies, Lies and more lies:

When you are in a relationship with someone, you could easily spot a lie. 

In a survey, 73% of people have admitted that they have lied in their relationship at least once to maintain a healthy romance. 

Source: 

While some lies can avoid unnecessary fights, some are just done to save themselves from their unjust acts! 

If you often catch them in a lie, then there could be severe problems in the relationship. 

Doesn’t like it when you touch their phone : 

This is the clearest sign of all. If there’s nothing to hide, why would she be so scared of you touching your phone? The need for privacy is one thing, but it’s not like you are opening her phone out of doubt. 

If she is very insecure about letting you use her phone, that’s a vital sign too! 

Muted notifications to messaging apps:

Even if your wife is cautious about not letting you near her phone, she might have muted her notifications to some essential messenger apps. 

People mute their notifications for various reasons, but some messaging apps are essential for personal and professional life. If you notice this, ask him directly and observe her reaction. 

Phone stays silent often :

While this isn’t a powerful sign of an affair since many people, including myself, keep their phone on silent most of the time. 

But suppose this is a new behaviour that developed around the time all the suspicious acts started, then yes. In that case, this is a sign to take into consideration. 

A sudden increase in sexual appetite at uncommon times :

This could be confusing, but you need to note anything that’s out of the ordinary in your relationship.  

This happens when your partner gets all sexually energized by the act of sexting or any other means of digital cheating with another person and uses their partner (the husband) to release all that energy out! 

While this might seem like a good thing, in the beginning, the reason behind it is sad. 

Look for the uncommon times because that’s when these kinds of cheating would happen. 

Mood changes without any reason :

When you live with your wife in the same house and spend most of your time together, and she gets delighted or irritated without you doing anything, that’s a sign to note for. 

The happiness could be because of the emotional attachment and the behaviour of her other partner.

The irritation or sudden sadness could be driven by fights between them. 

If you are not the reason behind her mood swings, and if that seems to happen very often and she doesn’t really talk about it with you, that’s a sign too! 

Avoiding big investments :

This is a sign of something bigger. Affairs don’t always mean that your partner has given up on you. 

If you look at why people cheat, lack of love is just one of the points. Often people cheat out of lust or frustration, and once they get it out of the system, they would stop cheating. 

Suppose your wife is hesitant to make any significant investments like purchasing a house or any other major life decisions like moving abroad or something. In that case, that could mean that she isn’t sure about the future she has with you. 

This is a bigger problem because it’s a sign that the love between you two has died. 

Missing parts in their day:

We ask our partners about their day, right? We would love to hear what happened, how they felt and what they did. 

But I bet they don’t want to tell you about their affair. When you notice apparent lies/missing parts in their story that don’t add up, that’s a sign when this happens often. 

Gifts : 

If they get gifts or things unaccounted for that they didn’t tell you about, that’s a sign of an affair. 

Men love to gift their partners. 

So if your wife starts getting these expensive gifts that their girlfriends usually don’t gift, that’s a vital sign that your wife might be cheating on you. 

Do these tests :

Invite her friends over :

If something is going on, her friends might know about it. Invite them over for lunch or dinner and see how they act around you. If they seem anxious or nervous around you, that’s a good sign. 

Initiate conversations about love infidelity and narrate stories about how much you love your wife. After these talks, there will be a lot of tension, and someone might even crack and tell you the truth if something is going on. 

Initiate conversations about “cheating” with your wife :

Tell your wife a story about cheating and how it destroyed your friend’s life. Go in-depth into the details and ask her opinion about it all. Her body language will tell the whole story unless she’s very stable with her emotions and has control over how she reacts. 

But trust me, the changes in tone the way she talks and behaves will tell the whole story. 

Tell her about someone who hits on you:

The normal reaction for any partner is to get jealous, which would be evident in their body language. 

If her reaction to this is ” I don’t care” Or actually joking about ” Go with her”, Or something out of the ordinary that just says ” I don’t really care”, then that’s a good sign too.

Borrow her phone for a call when she’s texting:

When you ask for her phone to make a phone call while she’s giggling and texting, she doesn’t get the time to delete any chats or calls or proofs that might be there on the phone. 

Make sure you keep talking for a while in such situations, and you are constantly moving. If your wife follows you around to make sure you don’t see anything after the call, then that’s a vital sign. 

Infidelity DNA test :

Disclaimer: In some countries like the UK, owning someone’s bodily material for DNA analysis is illegal, so check this before doing the test. 

Many firms and companies offer test kits that are very affordable to 

  • Detect semen
  • Detect DNA from other women

One could send samples like underwear, condoms, beddings, strands of hair, etc. 

This is the ultimate test to confirm if your partner is cheating on you. 

Ask to meet her or go out with her out of the blue:

You might have a pretty good idea about the recent suspicious timings and change in your wife’s “spending time out” behaviour. 

So ask her, ” let me come with you, why can’t I come? ” when she is ready to go out with someone (typical excuse). 

Check-in on some places where she states that she will ensure that nothing shady happens. 

Withdraw yourself from her : 

Stop paying attention to her for a while. Have a good excuse, or go with no excuses as well. Just stop paying attention or putting any effort to connect with her. 

Suppose she is actually happy and doesn’t mind this distance between you two as before. In that case, there’s definitely something wrong. 

Ask to go on a romantic getaway:

In some instances, your wife is into her other partner so much that she starts to consider him as her significant other. 

So she might not be very comfortable about diving deep into the romance of this dying relationship (from her perspective) 

While some cheating partners who cheat just for the sake of lust or need for variety might not really mind a romantic getaway with you since they might actually be in love with you, even with an affair on the side. 

So it is complicated. But if she says she doesn’t want to go on the trip or if she’s very uncomfortable doing the little romantic things with you, then that is a vital sign of a big problem in your marriage. 

But nonetheless, her other partner, depending on his attachment with your wife and his mental maturity, might decide to act out on the idea of her going away for a while with you. This would make your wife uncomfortable, which is a sign to look for in the trip! 

Ask her to do a digital detox with you :

Many studies have proved a strong correlation between heavy social media usage and infidelity. 

It makes sense, right? If she’s being emotionally and physically close with someone else and meeting them is risky, partners tend to use social media to achieve that connection. 

If she’s serious about her affair, she would be freaking out about the idea of a digital detox. 

Digital detox is essentially detaching yourself from social media for an extended period. This would be even perfect if it’s a trip where we leave our phones behind for a week and just be in the present with nature. 

This will drive them crazy and is a good test of infidelity. 

Should you confront her? 

Confronting is a huge step, and one shouldn’t do that unless your doubt is backed by evidence of an affair. 

People get defensive, and they start covering their tracks more than before. It’s better to get the evidence and be absolutely sure before confronting it because there is no going back. 

Things to do before confronting: 

Gain Hard Evidence 

It doesn’t make sense to confront without any hard evidence. 

Be patient and don’t show any signs that you suspect her. With patience, you will definitely catch her on the act! 

Ensure this evidence is good enough to say with 100% certainty that she is in an affair. 

Understand the nature of the affair:

If you are getting more information about their affair, try to understand the nature of it all. Is it just sexual, or is there more to it? 

This is just to get a good grasp of what’s actually happening, and it’s a significant factor. 

What you do with that information is entirely up to you. 

Just confronting her friends about this and extracting information from them. Anyone mutual would work. 

Step 2: Confront | Give her a chance to confess

Once you get the evidence, it’s now time to confront. 

Try not to be attacking while you are communicating with her. I know you are angry and want to let it all out, but that won’t help. 

  • Allow her to confess.
  • Let her know that you know about what’s going on and that this is the chance for her to be honest and come clean about everything.
  • By letting her confess, you get to know secrets that you still haven’t uncovered as well, and if she has even the slightest guilt, she will confess. 

Even after stating this, if she tries to hide it, throw the evidence at her and tell her she lost her last opportunity to come clean and that she chose to lie over and over. 

Things to do after confronting :

If they confess, 

If she confesses and apologizes, explaining to you what happened from the beginning to end, and if she fights to keep you in your life, then that’s a good sign. 

Most cheaters deny. If she’s at least being honest and explains the reason behind the cheating and that it’s a temporary thing and she feels guilty, then you can try to fix this relationship.

If she denies and tries to pin it on you

This is the worst thing that could happen. Denial is expected, and is the most common reaction is a cheater. But if there’s still any love in there, they would crack and be honest with you the moment you confront. 

Some partners will try to pin it on you by calling you insecure and being toxic for spying on her and that she doesn’t feel safe living with someone stupid and starts abusing you; that’s a good sign that she’s getting too defensive and doesn’t want to be honest with you. 

Stays: 50% of couples who cheated had confessed about it with their partner

If she isn’t even in this 50%, then there are a lot of trusts that need to be rebuilt, which requires the effort of both partners. 

Be honest to yourself about how you feel: 

It’s essential, to be honest about how you feel. Irrespective of what others think, just take some time off and be in touch with your feelings. 

It’s okay to cry or get angry. Any reaction you have is acceptable, as this is tricky for any person to get over. 

Important things to consider are 

  • Will you be able to trust her ever after this? 
  • Does she make you feel inadequate? Will that ever change? 
  • How does this affect your child, if you have any? 
  • Would you ever want to fix this? Or do you feel like taking a break?
  • Know that cheating doesn’t always have to end a relationship : 

Before you read this section about what we as a society say is normal or not, you need to correctly answer the previous question.

” How do you feel about all of this, honestly? “

RELATED BLOG : Self Awareness Guide : Get to know yourself better

Be honest with yourself.

Take some time off if it’s required. Process your emotions and feelings. Write in a journal. Try meditation. Channel your thoughts and list down the things you think need to be rebuilt for this relationship to ever work again. 

Saying that here are some common instances when partners usually forgive and get past the cheating

  • Cheating that occurs before the relationship is defined :
  • Online interaction: Micro cheating which didn’t involve much other than flirting
  • Cheating that happened once: One night stands 

The kind of cheating that usually breaks a relationship:

  • Habitual cheating: Where the partner constantly cheats for s prolonged period
  • Emotional cheating: When your wife has established so much emotional connection with someone else that they say ” I love you” To each other and genuinely cares and loves the other person romantically. 
  • Cheating involving friends: If your wife has cheated on you with your friend, then the betrayal hurts more. This is the kind of cheating that’s hard to get over. 

Things that could lead to fixing the relationship after cheating : 

  1.  Cheater feels remorseful:

If your wife feels remorseful after cheating, that’s a good sign. This is important without which there’s no going back 

  • Says Matt Lindquist
  1. Cheater owns up to their actions:

She needs to confess, explain and take responsibility for her actions and requests you to find a way to get over this together. 

  1. The conditions that lead to the cheating has to be addressed:

While it could take some time of communication and introspection for the cheater to uncover all the actual reasons and conditions in the relationship and their mental state that lead to the act of cheating. 

This might take therapy or some counselling sessions to truly get to the bottom of it. 

  • Self-discovery: Fear of missing out / experimenting
  • Childhood issues
  • Family history
  • Unhappiness in life/relationship
  • Stress
  • Fear of getting older
  • Troubles with commitments

What to expect after this confrontation? 

  • Time apart: A small/ long time apart is almost guaranteed in most relationships after the act of infidelity
  • Fights and negativity: It would be hard to have regular conversations immediately after the cheating since negative emotions would be running high. 
  • The cheater needs to put in the effort: If the relationship is really valued, then the cheater has to put in a lot of effort to fix the broken trust and mend the broken heart.
  • Broken self-esteem in the cheated partner: The partner who got cheated on will have significant issues now because of the infidelity, from negative self-image to mental breakdown to permanent issues with trust. They need to address them all to get over it. 
  • Therapy: Usually, it’s hard to communicate after infidelity. So couples would require therapy and the willingness to talk about their feelings. This needs effort from both the parties involved. 
  • The relationship might end: People often think that relationships can be saved with hard work and effort. But that’s not always the case! Sometimes it’s just too hard to get over this, and you might have to part ways and end the relationship/marriage.

Conclusion :

In this article, we have featured numerous signs of infidelity and how one should confront their wife. Look for your partner’s behavioural changes and secretive activities and observe them until you get hard evidence to confront them. 

Hope this article helped. 

AUTHOR SECTION

Written by Sai Subramaniam

Sai has over 4 years experience writing about mental health and productivity. He shares his thoughts about love, life and business in this blog. His goal is to help people become the best version of themselves and is guided by experts in the psychology and mental health field to help educate everyone about lifestyle and productivity

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