how to deal with insecurities (1)

How to not be insecure? 

I want you to stop feeling bad about yourself because you are definitely not the only one with insecurities. “No one in this world is completely secure”. Remember that! 

What is insecurity? 

Insecurity is essentially having doubts about something in your life. Right? 

It’s your brain sending signals to you that it’s having doubts about its ability to complete a task or it’s ability to get out of a situation. 

Insecurities are basically your brain asking for help! Makes sense right? 

So if that’s the case, why do you think about insecurities as something negative? It’s actually the biggest motivator because without these feedbacks about our abilities and weaknesses, we cannot move forward in life! 

How to deal with insecurities? 

To answer this in one word : Give assurance! 

If your brain is having doubts about your body and health, give it assurance by joining a gym and working out regularly 

If your brain is having doubts about your job then give it assurance by upgrading your skills and proving yourself to be a valuable asset to your company! 

It is as simple and obvious as that! 

Don’t look for quick fixes : 

Those who look for quick fixes for their insecurities can end up deep into those insecurities and other problems might tag along which would make your life miserable.

Perspective matters : Insecure thoughts are Feedbacks!

All you need to do is understand and listen to what your brain is telling you. Perspective matters. Insecure thoughts can be the biggest motivators if you take it as feedback and it can be the BIGGEST PAIN if you just choose to believe your thoughts and accept that you are this and that there’s no scope for improvement.

Just observe the world around you. People who experienced jaw crushing poverty in their childhood have risen to unimaginable heights. Not just the big names but even in your personal life if you think about this, most people who have tough lives work so much more harder and smarter than the ones who are comfortable.

The possibilities are endless! If you are insecure, be happy because you have a powerful gift that no one else does!

Understand the Root Cause of Your Insecurities:

We understand that we don’t feel good about our ability to do something and our brain is constantly sending us signals and reminding us of this. So on a surface level insecurities are just feedback. But we need to understand the root cause of our insecurities so we can better deal with it.

COMMON REASONS BEHIND FEELING INSECURE :

There could be so many reasons behind feeling insecure. But what are the most common reasons?

Before you go ahead and read this section, I want you to do some self reflection and answer these questions. The first step to beating your insecurities is to confront them and own them! It’s time you do that! Take a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions!

What do you feel insecure about? 

(List as many as possible)

My answer : I feel Insecure about my future, my health, and my body

Why do I feel insecure about XXX ? 

(Ask yourself this for every single insecurity you mentioned above. This is essential because some insecurities can be connected and we need to understand the root cause of all our insecurities)

My answer : I still am not very sure about my personal values and I am not working towards them either. It makes me fear that I will never get to live any version of my dreams. Feedback : I really need to work on my dreams

I feel insecure about my body because even though I am fit, I look too lean. I am moving to Europe this year and I fear that I won’t look good. Feedback :  I need to put on weights

I feel Insecure about my health because of my past addictions which could lead to some serious chronic diseases and which caused my lean appearance. Feedback : I need to take care of my health

I feel insecure about my relationship because I fear there will be a lot of disconnect between me and my partner since I am moving to Europe! Feedback : Work more on communicating with your partner


REALIZATION ABOUT INSECURITIES :

The point to realize here is that when we were kids, we were really confident and didn’t have many fears in life. There was a time when we didn’t fear speaking up for ourselves and thought that we are heroes and will change the world. Right?

 All the things you listed out up here were learnt through bad experiences. 

  • If someone called us fat, we get insecure about our appearance and our body
  • If someone called us dark skinned and ugly (Happened to me), you will be very insecure about being in your own skin!
  • If someone betrayed us in the past and broke our trust often, you will have insecurities in your relationships with friends and loved ones!

So we learnt our insecurities from bad experiences .And we can always learn differently by creating good experiences around our insecurities.

Replace Self Doubts with Confidence!


Listing down the common reasons for Being insecure : 

Fears: 

  • Fear of not being good enough
  • Fear of losing what we already have!
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of pain
  • Fear of death

Remember this. All the negative energy spent on insecurities will transform completely into confidence

Build Confidence!

It’s easy to feel confidence sitting at home when things are smooth! But when things get really bad, and we are afraid, that’s when confidence matter’s the most.

So in order to be more confident we need to rebuild our relationship with our fears

Note : You cannot be fearless in life. It’s not about how much fear you feel. It’s about how you deal with it.

There could be so many experiments and things one can do to build their confidence but here’s a technique that works the best for me : Ask – Listen – Act.

Questions to ask yourself : 

  • How do you deal with your fears?

Do you usually chase after them or run from them? We mostly run from them and that’s why we have our insecurities. Makes sense right?

  • Internal or External : Does your confidence come from who you are as a person?
    • Or does your confidence come from what you do, who you are with or what anyone else says about you.
    • This question can be rephrased as “ Do you really believe in yourself?”
  • Work Ethic : If how hard you work was the only factor in your success, would you bet on yourself??
  • People  : Do the people you surround yourself with help you be more confident?
    • Having the right people around you is a very important factor in building your confidence and feeling secure
    • If people around you just reinforce your insecurities, then they are part of the problem!
  • Execution of standards : Do you reinforce your non-negotiables?
    • What are your non-negotiables in life and relationships?
    • These are things that you value the most that you just cannot negotiate and gamble with. You value it alot and hence you make it a priority in your life
  • Resolution of past experiences : How are your past experiences affecting your present view?

For instance do you have confidence issues because of a past embarrassment or failure? I remember how I got humiliated in front of everyone in college when a professor abused and humiliated me for the way I look and present myself during a speech.

Remember this: “You have everything you need to get everything you desire. Especially confidence because we came into this world with confidence. We will go out of it with confidence!”

COST OF BEING INSECURE :

Insecurities can destroy our lives if we let it beat us down to our knees like most of us do! Alot of it is obvious and that’s the reason you are reading this article right now but the thing that hurts me the most is :

DYING WITH YOUR UNFULFILLED DREAMS: 

Confidence is very important for anyone to reach their maximum potential and to be the est version of themselves so they can achieve and live the life of their dreams.

  • What is your most important dream and desire? 

Mine is to start a business that aligns with my personal values and become financially free so I can actually taste what true freedom feels like and explore this beautiful planet that we are born into! 

  • What are the action steps that you have taken in the past one year in order to get close to your dreams?
  • Are you closer to that dream than you were last year?

We all might have taken a few steps to get closer to our dreams but our progress is severely hindered by our insecurities and I realized that! 

  • After all, do we genuinely believe in our dreams? That we can make it come alive? Like 100%?

I’ll be honest. I didn’t. I had doubts about myself and my ability to make such a huge thing happen which affected my confidence and hence my actions!

Here are some other costs of being insecure : 

  • Not having the career that you truly desire with a pay that you think you deserve
  • Working a job that we do not truly like at all.
  • Being in a toxic relationship
  • Having trouble starting conversations with people or building relationships with friends and mentors!
  • Die with a heart full of unfulfilled dreams and desires!
  • Hating Mondays to Fridays and living with a heart full of self doubts which consumes your soul from the inside!

Expert opinions on how to deal with insecurities:

Sadhguru :

His solution to insecurity :

  •  Gratitude 
  • Accepting that pain and failures are a part of the experience of life. Embrace it so you can deal with it easily

Sadhguru states that understanding and accepting that we are mortal beings and knowing that we came with nothing into this world and we go out of it with nothing. 

He states that life is insecure and there’s nothing very secure about our lives. We are all going to die someday. 

He means to say that we are all on borrowed time and we don’t own anything. We need to understand that to be more grateful about the things in our life. 

We might feel bad about our body or the size of our bank account but there are millions of people who would love to be in their shoes because they are in greater pain and tougher situations than you. 

So be truly grateful for even the smallest things in your life. Gratitude solves the problem. 

” You are living on a day to day basis as if you are forever. Accepting that we are mortal and being grateful makes you realize that there’s no security or insecurity in life”

” No matter what happens in life you are always on the profit side. You act like you have something to lose. We have nothing to lose because we own nothing. We come and go”

This means that even if you are in a bad relationship or bad shape physically or financially, you have nothing to lose. Be grateful for what you have. 

My opinion on this :

Being grateful is extremely essential in life. This kind of mindset that sadhguru is suggesting is the ultimate goal but can we all achieve it? 

Be truly mindful and grateful and accepting we don’t own anything and to smile in the face of failures and betrayals with a light heart can be hard but achievable! 

Practice gratitude! 

He also suggests this : Accepting that pain and failures are part of the “Experience of life”

So don’t try to avoid life. Experience it. Embrace it. After all, we are here to experience life right? 

Jocko Willink states that there are two types of insecurities : 

  • Insecurities that we can attack 
  • Insecurities that we can’t attack

Insecurities that we can attack are the things that we can work on and get better at like we discussed in this article before.

Insecurities that we cannot attack are things that’s out of our control and cannot be changed. We need to accept and be in peace with these insecurities. For instance, I have dark skin and I used to be insecure about it as a child because of the heavy racism that was going around.

I knew I really cannot do anything about it and yet I chose to stay and dwell on my insecurity which affected my life in many ways. Eventually I overcame that insecurity when I realized that being dark doesn’t mean ugly like I used to believe (Abuses, General Societal Views and perspectives at the time)

So when it comes to insecurities that we cannot attack, accept it, love it and have fun at it!

Gaur Gopal Das

Gaur Gopal Das states that insecurities can often come when we compare ourselves with others and feel bad about ourselves and our capabilities! This habit of comparing and doubting ourselves can destroy one’s happiness and peace.

The insecurity that comes from comparison can drive us to do things that we don’t really value and at the end of it all, we would have lived a life without peace and harmony.

The best way to deal with insecurity is to shift the focus from these external factors to ourselves. Focus on you instead of focusing on other people’s success.

Tony Robbins :

Tony Robbins gives us many views and interesting perspectives that help us defeat insecurities and be confident.

He recommends two tools to help us beat insecurities : In order to change our lives we need to control two things:

  • Your Physiology
  • You Fous

Tony Robbins states that it’s important to control what we focus on when something happens in our life. It could be something as worse but if you can control what you focus on : The advantage the situation brings, you can get over your problems.

You get what you seek. So never take your focus off the things that you truly want!

He states that humans are controlled by their rituals. Our lives come from our rituals! Our body rituals, Financial rituals, Rituals in your relationship. Some rituals put you “in state” and some take you off it. 

Here’s a small Test for you

I know we are supposed to be humble and not be proud of many things in our lives but if you were to allow yourself to be proud:

  •  What would you feel proud of at this moment?

Take your time and really think about things that you are proud of 

For me :

  • The fact that I am fit for the past 7 years and I love that. I am proud of it
  • The fact that I never gave up hope on my career path and am still running in the same direction that I started 7 years ago!
  • The fact that i never gave up hope in finding love despite having my heart broken by women with commitment issues.
  • What about these things makes you feel proud ?

I noticed a pattern here. I am proud of things that involved a lot of hardwork and discipline. Makes sense right? 

I value hard work and things that aren’t easily attainable! This is a huge realization!

  •  What do you feel grateful for in your life? 

Again, really think about it!

For me : 

  • The fact that I have amazing parents, family and friends!
  • I am grateful for having someone who would love me more than life itself and also mature enough to give me space to live my life and love me enough to never leave my side!
  • I am grateful for being healthy and having grown up in a free society.
  • I am grateful for the planet that we live on!

Now your turn!

  • What About these things makes you feel grateful ?

Honestly, love. How nature has blessed us with good health, family and love! Noticing these things and not taking them for granted is very important. Gratitude makes me feel happy and blessed and lucky!

  • What are you excited about in your life right now?

For me :

  • The very fact that my childhood dream of living in Europe is going to come alive!
  • Thinking about the endless new experiences and possibilities that brings 

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

Way better than how you felt when you first started reading this blog right? Do you feel bad about your insecurities now?

When you change your focus from the negatives to the positives, you instantly change how you feel about yourself

“The most powerful way to control your focus is through the use of questions!”

  • Antony Robbins

INSECURITIES IN RELATIONSHIPS:

Relationship Expert Susan Winter states that when we are in a vulnerable space with someone, all our insecurities and issues come flooding out.

“Relationships are microscopes to our mental health”

Insecurities often lead to fights and miscommunication and over a period of time this can damage or even break the entire relationship.

So, whenever you feel a trigger, whenever you start to lose it, we need to take a step aside and ask ourselves “ What did I hear in my head? I judged a situation and some of the thoughts triggered me”

A thing to realize here is, even the insecurities and problems that were laying dormant can get triggered when we are in a relationship. So it’s important to analyze and understand our demons so we can defeat them.

Relationships can often show us to ourselves!

So use the triggers to understand yourself better, identify the insecurities and deal with them.

Realizations about Insecurities in Relationships :

1) “ If you are Insecure in your relationship, you are really just insecure with yourself”

Our partner’s actions do not cause insecurities but it’s our own insecurities that inflame our anxiety and let it grow.

For instance, we might have fears around our partner finding someone more attractive and compatible than us. This might cause us to doubt, judge and fight with our partner for being late from work or not picking up calls in time and so much more that could destroy the relationship.

When such things happen, stop and analyze. 

  • Do I feel insecure about myself in any way that makes me feel I am not good enough for my partner?
  • How do I feel about the way I look? How do I feel about my body?
  • How do I feel about the way I treat him?
  • Do I love myself? Like really genuinely 100% LOVE MYSELF?

People are attracted to people who are attracted to themselves!

The more into yourself you are, the more worthy of love you feel you deserve, the more love you will get, the more eyes will stare at you.

How to deal with it ? 

  • Communicate your insecurities to your partner first. This way they will not trigger it.
  • Work on the insecurities together and help each other beat it.

2) Do Not bring the insecurities from your past relationships into this relationship

This happens so often. This creates the cycle of pain that is destroying the minds and hearts of people across the world. It’s not fair to punish your current partner for the crimes committed by someone from the past.

Our relationships are just reflections of how we feel about ourselves!

So start with you. Focus on yourself rather than doubting your partner!

FAQs:

Are Insecurities common among all humans?

As long as we have dreams and fears, insecurities will always be present. It’s a part of being human and everyone of us has it. It’s not just the shy girl who can’t keep her face up or the awkward guy in the last bench. It’s totally normal and common to have insecurities.

AUTHOR SECTION

Written by Sai Subramaniam

Sai has over 4 years experience writing about mental health and productivity. He shares his thoughts about love, life and business in this blog. His goal is to help people become the best version of themselves and is guided by experts in the psychology and mental health field to help educate everyone about lifestyle and productivity

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